This is not new. Robert Putnam wrote about this in “Bowling Alone” 25 years ago, and he was chronicling the decline of community over the previous 50 years! You don’t build communities over hikes and dinner parties, you build them over shared values. A rotating cast of strangers meeting for dinner once a month is no more a community than a subreddit is. Community building requires a belief in something greater than the self to allow bond formation and overcome the natural repulsion between individual egos.
great point, but very important to understand that shared value is often found in the dinner parties where you sit across from a stranger and realize that you believe in the same ideas and envision a similar future for yourself and those you love. if we lost true community, which you define as “overcoming the natural repulsion between individual egos” then we have to start somewhere to see past our own egos to connect with others and build that relationship
The key phrase is "rotating cast", not "dinner party":
- The probability of finding someone you click with in a random, self-selected group of strangers is 10%, very generously, in a big city like New York, and far less in smaller cities and towns
- The probability they click back with you is also 10%
- The probability of you going again is 50%, assuming you're super enthusiastic, simply because life happens
- The probability of them going again is also 50%
- Thus the probability of finding someone you mutually click with and meeting them again is 0.1 x 0.1 x 0.5 x 0.5 = 0.0025 = 0.25%
I belonged to a number of such groups and none of them turned into a community,
quite the bleak outlook, no? i think your fault may be that community & personal connections isn’t about numbers & statistics. if not dinner, regardless of who the cast is (because i’m sure she meant an assortment of friends, not strangers she plucked off the street), then what do you suggest?
op’s intention is to help people find places to start building their community. if folks are invited to a community garden to grow fresh produce for their urban neighborhood, are the statistics not the same? if only minimally higher since a shared common interest is already established. there’s not even an inherent need to chat while gardening to build a connection at all. would you prefer people meet at a protest where it’s safer to not share your name with strangers for fear you could be arrested?
community does not, and should not, only be found in strife and hard work. that’s service, not community
i can’t understand what your gripe with writing about hope for a community is, but sure, i’ll take your challenge! but i must warn you, i personally already have a pretty good support system across my family, family friends, friends, and coworkers. but give me about a year & i’ll make a substack post dedicated to you with my findings
it feels like kismet that I am reading this today! I decided to join a women's walking club in my city in order to make new friends...I'm so nervous but I'm doing it because finding true community is a non-negotiable for me this year. 🩷
Indeed couldn't agree more! I feel this incredible longing for community, yet cannot manage to belong or just simply find my place and keep connected :(
I feel you, I think sometimes we have to become the center of a community to belong to one but I'll talk more about this soon since it's something that's been on my mind for a while now! Sending love on your way Vivien <3
This is true! I also noticed that when my connections begin online then translate to in-person they’re harder to sustain. Our physical realities are often so far apart, and our schedules too. But when I meet neighbors or people in my local neighborhood it’s smoothest because of that local landscape of interest.
"However, these so-called communities are often personal brands, built by one brave individual creating a space for their ideas. In reality, we as the followers are bystanders, not participants."
I feel like the word "community" has been co-opted to offer the illusion of belonging to those craving connection — but as you say, all too often it's a thin veneer for a parasocial relationship.
I've spent the last decade exploring why forming community is such a difficult task in our context, and have tried to acknowledge the genuine hurdles we face and legitimate fears we have.
Reminders of the importance of community matter. But I've found that unless we can unpack the systemic impact of capitalism and autonomous individualism and the individual fears of abandonment and coercion, we're more than likely to just fall into self-blame than actual change.
This is not new. Robert Putnam wrote about this in “Bowling Alone” 25 years ago, and he was chronicling the decline of community over the previous 50 years! You don’t build communities over hikes and dinner parties, you build them over shared values. A rotating cast of strangers meeting for dinner once a month is no more a community than a subreddit is. Community building requires a belief in something greater than the self to allow bond formation and overcome the natural repulsion between individual egos.
great point, but very important to understand that shared value is often found in the dinner parties where you sit across from a stranger and realize that you believe in the same ideas and envision a similar future for yourself and those you love. if we lost true community, which you define as “overcoming the natural repulsion between individual egos” then we have to start somewhere to see past our own egos to connect with others and build that relationship
The key phrase is "rotating cast", not "dinner party":
- The probability of finding someone you click with in a random, self-selected group of strangers is 10%, very generously, in a big city like New York, and far less in smaller cities and towns
- The probability they click back with you is also 10%
- The probability of you going again is 50%, assuming you're super enthusiastic, simply because life happens
- The probability of them going again is also 50%
- Thus the probability of finding someone you mutually click with and meeting them again is 0.1 x 0.1 x 0.5 x 0.5 = 0.0025 = 0.25%
I belonged to a number of such groups and none of them turned into a community,
quite the bleak outlook, no? i think your fault may be that community & personal connections isn’t about numbers & statistics. if not dinner, regardless of who the cast is (because i’m sure she meant an assortment of friends, not strangers she plucked off the street), then what do you suggest?
op’s intention is to help people find places to start building their community. if folks are invited to a community garden to grow fresh produce for their urban neighborhood, are the statistics not the same? if only minimally higher since a shared common interest is already established. there’s not even an inherent need to chat while gardening to build a connection at all. would you prefer people meet at a protest where it’s safer to not share your name with strangers for fear you could be arrested?
community does not, and should not, only be found in strife and hard work. that’s service, not community
Instead of spouting grand theories, why don’t you try starting a community and see who’s right, my experience or your theory?
i can’t understand what your gripe with writing about hope for a community is, but sure, i’ll take your challenge! but i must warn you, i personally already have a pretty good support system across my family, family friends, friends, and coworkers. but give me about a year & i’ll make a substack post dedicated to you with my findings
You did it. You said it. Now let's all say it, and keep saying it, and keep saying it, and keep saying it, and keep saying it.
it feels like kismet that I am reading this today! I decided to join a women's walking club in my city in order to make new friends...I'm so nervous but I'm doing it because finding true community is a non-negotiable for me this year. 🩷
Right there with you girl, moved to a new city just 6 months ago and community became my key word for the year! Good luck with everything <3
Indeed couldn't agree more! I feel this incredible longing for community, yet cannot manage to belong or just simply find my place and keep connected :(
I feel you, I think sometimes we have to become the center of a community to belong to one but I'll talk more about this soon since it's something that's been on my mind for a while now! Sending love on your way Vivien <3
Thank you! I like your thought! Can't wait to read more about it! Sending love 🫶
This is true! I also noticed that when my connections begin online then translate to in-person they’re harder to sustain. Our physical realities are often so far apart, and our schedules too. But when I meet neighbors or people in my local neighborhood it’s smoothest because of that local landscape of interest.
"However, these so-called communities are often personal brands, built by one brave individual creating a space for their ideas. In reality, we as the followers are bystanders, not participants."
I feel like the word "community" has been co-opted to offer the illusion of belonging to those craving connection — but as you say, all too often it's a thin veneer for a parasocial relationship.
I've spent the last decade exploring why forming community is such a difficult task in our context, and have tried to acknowledge the genuine hurdles we face and legitimate fears we have.
Reminders of the importance of community matter. But I've found that unless we can unpack the systemic impact of capitalism and autonomous individualism and the individual fears of abandonment and coercion, we're more than likely to just fall into self-blame than actual change.
There are a bunch on incredible writers exploring this stuff, but I'll share mine here in case anyone's interested: https://theuntethereddilemma.substack.com/
Loved. I feel like this pairs with “the mainstreaming of loserdom” by tell the bees
Yes absolutely!
You have perfectly put in words what I’ve been thinking and feeling all the time. Thank you for this. <3
Your words mean so much to me, thank you for being here <3
Thank you so much Dhwani, this means a lot <3
Exactly, makes my heart so happy! Tiny act of personal bravery with a big impact on the people around us <3